You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
