He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
