He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
