thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
