I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
