Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
