I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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