4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
