So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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