Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
