I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So much Jack, so little girl.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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