so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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