Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
