Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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