last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
