she looked like the before picture.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
