Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dignity is for republicans.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize