I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
a search helicopter?!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
