the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
