Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
A bitchslap is in order.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
