he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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