I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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