I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
