So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
