well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
