there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize