how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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