I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
