Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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