Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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