Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
