Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
