I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
