I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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