my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
