On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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