I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
