you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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