If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
