Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
