she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
