The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Bring me that man meat
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
