there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
