I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Randomize