Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
