I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
