That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
