at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
