you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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