If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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