it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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