john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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