u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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