dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
