We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
