I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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