I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
