we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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