If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
