Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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